SURREAL PREDICTIONS For 2004-and beyond
For a touch of whimsy, levity and satirical brevity.
After slipping on some ice, a Washington D C lawyer sues mother nature 100 million billion dollars for allowing water to freeze. The defense argued it was a frivolous lawsuit because after walking six miles on a frozen lake he should have figured out it was slippery.
The ESPM, POX Sports, AFLAK, Allstates Final 2007-2008 Top Ten Football Poll. (1)Kansas (2)Missouri (3)USC (4)WVU (5)LSU (6)Georgia (7)Hawaii (8)VirTech (9)Boise State (10)BYU
Archeologists discover a 2,00,000 year old body in South America. Believing it to be an important missing link in human evolution, they name it South Americus Pithicus. It is discarded with disgust and disappointment when further testing absolutely confirms it is merely a 1,000,000 year old extraterrestrial alien body.
Preliminary rounds of competition for the 2008 Olympics begin in September 2004 in order to have time to determine the final contestants for the 10,788 different sporting events that will be offered.
In Oslo the Norwegian government declares Russia a territory of Norway when it is acknowledged that the earliest organizing Russian ruler was a Viking.
The Japanese sushi market goes into a huge decline when a fish in Tokyo harbor is discovered to have the "Mad Fish Disease".
President Bush will give a pardon to a white house aid explaining that he was concerned that if everyone considered the man guilty, it would lead to the fact the president was a part of the plot. This way, Bush said that he figured pretty soon everyone would forget about the whole thing.
An eastern state in all of its legal glory will pass a law making it illegal for Santas to say ho, ho, ho, because it reflects derogatorily upon female black Americans. Ohio follows quickly making it illegal to say hi to anyone because it could make Japanese women appear submissive. Louisiana then makes it illegal to say wee, wee since it might confuse the French with toilets. Soon thereafter the supreme court abolishes all forms of honky tonk music since the whole genre is thought to reflect derisively upon Caucasian diction.
An American family, whose son is killed while participating in a gang war gunfight, sues China for inventing gunpowder. They win a $100,000,000,000 settlement.
While attending lunch with the Family Counselors Association of France, the French minister of Health makes a public announcement to the nation that alcoholism is probably a greater problem in France than previously believed. In anger each participating member protests by throwing 8 wine glasses, 4 liqueur glasses and 6 champagne glasses at him from his/her table setting.
Americans are appalled when a mixed team of Russian, Italian and German commandos invade a missile base in Colorado and find Weapons of Mass Destruction.
OJ Simpson is denounced for murdering an unauthorized rendition of an Elvis Presley hit song "Jailhouse Rock".
The Food and Drug Administration takes a natural herb remedy for cancer off of the market because the herb works without having any side effects.
A Bush administration aid is laid off after releasing a public announcement that contains only truthful statements.
Ad seen in the near future. "If you have been to a doctor within the last ten years, you may be eligible to help us earn billions as a result of Medicus Pharmsuticus Conspiracus Suffering Body Syndrome (MPCSBS)". The Law firm of Parasitis, Exploitus, Deceptis and Predatory will get ourselves as much as we can from your suffering.
Former president Bill Clinton joins a 12 step self-help group of Liars Anonymous. He angers the group at the first meeting by violently arguing over the definition of the second word in the group motto "Tell the Truth."
The famous Broadway play "Jesus Christ Superstar" is revived and Mike Tyson gets the leading role.
A World Wide Professional wrestling champion has to return his belt when he is caught departing from his script and using a real wrestling hold he picked up from an Olympic Greco-Roman wrestler.
The Department of Homeland Security places a ban upon singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" when it is determined that the demand for Christmas pudding is considered a terrorist threat.
Al Gore's son Al Gore II and George Bush's daughters meet at an Addictions Anonymous meeting where they become caught up in a love triangle.
The American broadcasting media makes a collective agreement to be unbiased in its reporting. The campaign is so successful the entire industry goes off the air.
An invading army crosses the Bering Strait and captures Alaska's oil fields. Local residents form militias and fight to defend their land. They are labeled terrorist insurgents by the press and bombed by UN forces.
Canada, the United States of America, New Zealand, India and Australia petition Great Britain to be restored as colonies.
Admiral Byrd emerges from a hole in the South Pole with a rich sun tan and stories of an inner earth world.
When an earth radio beam bounces off of their 500,000,000 billion year old planet, a group of extraterrestrials decide to have a party and celebrate that they have been "discovered".
A couple in Oregon build a wooden deck over their entire 3 acre lawn when they are told by state authorities that they can not walk on the lawn because it might disturb the earthworms.